I thought 'baby sleep' was the worst. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. If they came with a timer, it would be incredibly helpful. One would know they had 10 minutes to shower, 5 minutes to throw a load of laundry in, 2 minutes to scarf down a sandwich.
However, I have come to the conclusion that 'kid sleep' is worse. Or whatever the hell they call sleep. They are out of their beds relentlessly. And not the fifteen minutes right after being put to bed. They actually go right to sleep then. It is other times during the night, they are more partial to. The insanity even has a pattern. They are up at 11pm, 3am, 4:30 am, and then 6 and 6:30am. I am pretty sure Carly is up sometimes more than that, as I hear her lumbering around like a goddamn elephant, floor boards creeking in agony below her angry 40lb strides. I used to worry about what she was doing, now I don't care as long she is not bugging me.
When she does, it is like a horror movie. Instinctively I roll over, feeling a presence looming over me. She silently stands there with her head inches from my face, whispering inane requests, while I struggle to find my brain and open my eyes. There have been a few times where I screamed and accidentally swatted her while I flailed my arms in defense. I obviously felt horrible, but she didn't visit me during the middle of night for a week after that.
The kids wanted to share a bedroom and we acquiesced, even acquiring bunk beds . They are downstairs while we sleep upstairs. Two bedrooms down, two bedrooms up. Despite different sleeping arrangements, the constant waking has stayed the same. If there is a night where I sleep for 7 hours straight,the stars must be aligned.
Silas' reasons for getting out of bed are usually innocuous and appropriate. Bathroom. Drink of water. Sick. Growing pains. When he does, we know it is legit and lovingly assist. Carly is insane in the membrane. She has clear, crisp and logical conversations going at 3am. Her flair for the dramatic are especially spot-on. There is no, 'sleepy sauntering.' She speaks and acts like she has orders from the Secretary of Defense to deploy a bomb in 0200 hours.When I am the recipient of one of these monologues, I lose it. I yell. She blinks. I yell something horrible. She blinks. Then continues on about the bomb.
Some of the reasons why Carly and Silas are up.
My dreamcatcher is broken.
It isn't broken.
Can you sew it back together?
There is nothing to sew and I can't sew anyway.
You can't? Then go get Dad or call Mimi. They are good.
Pocahontas wouldn't help you. Go back to bed.
The Ace Bandage
For about a month, Carly was complaining about her leg and back hurting. Growing pains were the culprit for a bit, but then it was all bullshit. When I talked to my MD about it, he suggested the ace bandage. The placebo is big, looks like serious hurt business and is bigger than a bandaid. We wrapped up her leg, left or right depending on the severity of the pain for weeks. This would keep her in bed until it unraveled, which of course it did, as it was loosely on in the first place. Then the 'pain' was so bad, she had to have it back on. The ace bandage has been mysteriously missing for over a month and will never be found again.
Just shut the hell up.
Both Silas and Carly are aspiring to be Nelly. They have so many bandaids on knees, elbows, fingers, cheeks and even ears we go through a box of bandaids a week. The 'plain' ones are apparently only good for 'bad boo-boo's' and do not work during the middle of the night. Requests for certain ninja turtles or princesses have also fallen on deaf ears, as responses such as, "We are out of Michelangelo--Donatello is just as good" are commonplace.
Other excuses are:
I have to pee
I have to poop
I have to poop real bad
I have to poop really, really bad
My socks are off
My socks are on
My hair hurts
My butt hurts
Do you know where my dance shoes are? Where is my dance bag is? I need them right now
I am the star tomorrow, we need muffins
I need a drink
Not that water, bathroom water
The fan is bothering me
My diaper doo is missing
My bear is missing
Not that bear, my other bear
I smell something
My nose is dry
I need Aquaphor, all over me
My ear itches
I know Zyrtec will help
The dark is making me laugh
My swimsuit will make me feel better